Ask Link!!!
by Cerena Montanyu
Summary: OMG!!!! I'm sorry, I promise you that I did NOT upload that sick, sick chapter!! Okay peeps, this is the SAFE version of Ask Link. It's when Link gets a column in "Hyrulian Times", and has to answer people's questions like "Ann Landers"! I PROMISE YOU'LL


Cerena: Okay, DON'T ask me where this came from. *Sobs* I used to be so innocent... BEWARE THE CURSE OF THE GREEN JELLO!!!!!! And, I know, this isn't one of my best humor fics.   
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Title: Ask Link  
Authoress: Cerena Montanyu  
  
Dear Link:  
In a fit of teen rebellion, I have dyed my eyebrows green. GREEN!! Of all of the things to do, and all of the colors to do it in, I have dyed my eyebrows green. GREEN!! Do you realize the trouble I'm in? Not only do I look ridiculous, but the ugly green eyebrows CLASH with my dresses! I cannot bear to go to this year's ball, I'll look like a commom peasant!  
~Princess of Green Eyebrows  
  
Link: I'm sorry, but who do I look like, Hints From Heloise??? Who, in their right mind, would dye their eyebrows GREEN?!?! I mean, I can understand piercing one's tongue or bellybutton, or even guys piercing their ears (Which I did, but it was only a brief moment of Sweet 'N' Low insanity). Did you ever consider that MAYBE the dye could wash out?  
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Dear Link:  
I'm sick of cows and horses.  
~Sick of Cows and Horses  
  
Link: Um, yeah. Is this some sick joke?  
  
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Dear Link:   
Everyone treats me like a child! Is it because of my green hair, or my short stature? I mean, yesterday, there was a new employee at the Kokiri Coffee Shop, and she REFUSED TO GIVE ME COFFEE BECAUSE SHE SAID I WAS TOO YOUNG!! I HAFTA HAVE MY MOCHA JAVA JAVA JAVA MOCHA!! I DIIEEE WITHOUT MY COFFEE!! MWUAHAHAAHA! THAT WOMAN'S GONNA WISH SHE WAS NEVER BORN!!! By the time you read this, all the coffee in the world has gone in my GOLDEN SUPER-DEE-DUPER SAFE SAFE!!!  
~Must...Have...Coffee...  
  
Link: Do me a favor, and drink milk instead. Violence is no way to go- WHAT?!!? NO COFFEE?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
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Dear Dude:  
Hey Dude! This is my bombing problem: yesterday, my friend was all like 'You talk soo last year Dude!' and I'm like 'No way Dude!' and he's like 'Yes way, Dude!' and I'm like 'Dude!' and he's like 'Dude!' and I'm like 'Bummer!' and he's like 'See what I mean? Bummer is uncool!'. Dude, ya gotta help me with this! Is there any webbie where I can pick up some new slang? I have to maintain my King of Cool rep, y'know?  
~Dude in the Lake  
  
Link: First of all, I'm not 'Dude'. I'm Link, it says SO ON THE COLUMN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!! Second of all, I don't know!! What the freak are ya talking about?  
  
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Dear Dude:   
YES!! That's the slang I'm pickin' up! FREAK!! But I need more! Ya hafta hit me with more 'freak' slang, dude!  
~Freak in the Lake  
  
Link: Now, either you are an alien in disguise, or you're SUPER fast, or you're psycic! Oh, what, we're all gonna talk like the reject demented girl Cerena? WAIT CERENA, I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!! Eh-heh, eh-heh... Um, unfortunately she's twisting my elbow, so I can't..... really.... type... AHH!  
  
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Dear Dude:   
BUT I HAFTA KNOW!!  
~Freak in the Lake that is wanting more 'FREAK!'  
  
Link: Now THAT is just freaky. Unfortunately, I'm being sued for a 12 KFC Potato Wedges because Cerena has the copyrights on her freak slang.  
  
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Dear Link:  
I have a problem. You see, I'm trying to take over Hyrule, but there is a guy named 'Link' who ALWAYS stops me! I wanna rule Hyrule 'cause the Teletubbies are much cooler than Zelda's 'Barney'! Not only that, but if I don't, Nabooru'll think I'm a wuss.  
~I really wanna wanna wanna take over Hyrule  
  
Link: GANONDORF?!!?!?! Uhm... No, I don't know you! GO AWAY!!!  
  
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Dear Stupid Kid:  
ROUND AND ROUND!! ROUND AND ROUND!! I really am maa-aad, 'Cause there was this stupid kid, and I have lost my teddy-bear. IT WAS YOU! IT WAS YOU! It was you who made it rain in the wiiind-mill, and I don't have insurance. STUPID KIIII-IIID!!!  
~ROUND AND ROUND!! BWUAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Link: Do me, no, do HYRULE a favor and go away. Just... Jump down the well. OR better yet, STAY IN THE FREAKIN' ASYLUM!! (No, Cerena! I HAFTA TYPE THIS COLUMN!!)  
  
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Dear Link:   
It's too HOOOT!! IT'S RUINING MY HAIRDO!! I want to turn on the GIANT FAN!! But Ganon-dork says NO!! AHHH! HELLP! I'M MELTING! AHH! OOH!! AHH!!  
~Too Hot in Gerudo Valley  
  
Link: Never mind Ganon-dork, just turn on the fan. If he comes after you, say 'Zelda's Barney drools and TELETUBBIES RULE HYRULE!!'. PLEASE don't ask.  
  
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Dear Link:   
What did the Zebra in the trenchcoat say? You don't know? Unfortunately, neither do I. The Princess is always complaining that I have no sense of humor after I grounded her for 'spilling' spray paint all over her father's room. She threatened to fire me, and the only other thing I can do is the 'Around the World' trick with the yo-yo! (Well, I can tell the future also, but that is soooo cliche) I tried telling her the Sacred Sheikah knock-knock joke, but SHE DISSED IT!! SHE SHALL PAY!!! Y'know, the one that goes "Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who- Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who-Knock knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" What should I do?  
~No Sense of Humor  
  
Link: Try learning some more jokes.  
  
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Dear Link:  
I'VE COME TO TAKE OVER THE HYRULE!! MWUAHAHAHA!! EVERYONE SHALL PAY FOR CALLING ME A FREAK!! I SHALL TAKE BACK MY COFFEE, AND DOMINATE WITH MY 'FREAK' SLANG!!!  
~Cerena  
  
Link: Oh, please.   
  
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Dear Link:  
  
Lately, I've been obsessed with saying "MWEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!". I can't even say "MWUAHAHAHA!!" without choking! Uhm... What was my problem again?  
~Skull Kid  
  
Link: HEY!! You're not supposed to say your real name!  
  
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Dear Link:   
Sorry.  
~Missing "MWUAHAHA!!" in Termina  
  
Link: What the freak? (NO CERENA!!) I thought I only recieved mail from Hyrule. Whateva! Anyways, the "MWEEEHEEEHEEEHEE!" (And boy, is THAT annoying) part sounds like Akai Ku, and the choking on "MWUAHAHAHA!!" sounds like the work of Cerena. It actually could be Chica, I mean, I've never heard her laugh like that, so her first time HAS to be bogus... Get a life and stop hanging out with those FREAKY, DEMENTED, IDIOT AUTHORS!!! (AAHHH! ATTACK OF THE ANGRY AUTHORS AND AUTHORESSES!!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!! AHHHH!!! That's one hell of a bruise...)  
  
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Dear Link:  
  
HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!! HEY! HEY! HEY! LISTEN LISTEN LOOK!! HEY LISTEN! LOOK HEY!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!  
~HEY LOOK LISTEN  
  
Link: OMG!! RABID FAIRIE THAT THINKS IT'S A POKEMON!! AHHH!!!  
  
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Dear Link:  
  
What is this 'Pizza' you stinkin' humans/hylians/SKULL KIDS talk about? I mean, EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY Skull Kid calls on this primitive com-link and yells "YO BANANA BOY!! SPELL IT BACKWARDS!!" then slams the com-link on the holder and picks it up again and yells "HEY!! IS YOUR REFRIDGERATOR RUNNING?!?! THEN YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!!!" and slams it AGAIN, and then he picks it up AGAIN and says "YO!! PIZZA BOY!! I WANNA DEEP DISH WITH WORMS ON IT!! MWUAHAHAHA!! Yeah, the same tree stump. $100058? Okay!" and hangs it up for the final time. What is the meaning of this strange ritual?  
~Trapped in the 'Pizza' Mask in Termina  
  
Link: WHAT?!?! ANOTHER ONE FROM TERMINA?!!? I don't get paid enough for this. Yo, Mask boy, spell 'GET A LIFE!!!'  
  
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Dear Link:   
I LOVE YOU!! I cannot live without you, oh you must return to MEEEE!!!! I cannot be satisfied with only my ice statue and the million posters, I must have the real thing! Please come back...  
GET YOUR BUTT HERE BEFORE I SET FROO-FROO ON YA!!!  
~You Know Who  
  
Link: FROO-FROO THE KILLER FROG?!?! AHHHH!!! Sorry peeps, hafta GOOOO!!!  
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Cerena: SO what did you guys think? Was it funny enough? Was it not funny enough? Should I do a sequel for Termina? Please R/R and add me to your favorites! Oh, and don't worry! (Or do worry if you're not a fan :P) I have LOTS of fics coming out this weekend, including the... STARTLING ENDING OF "Insanity Only Goes Down One Road"!!!!!! 


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